Troll Guide: The Return

Giveen

The Martialist is an online magazine. As such, most of its
readers find it through various online discussion fora. Online
discussion can be very rewarding, but it is also rife with
hazards. One of these is the presence of trolls.

The following Field Guide to Trolls has appeared in many forms over the
past couple of years and was originally written by me, though it is not
always attributed. The profiles herein were inspired by my "web
travels" but do not refer to specific individuals. No correlation
to any person, living or dead, is intended or implied.

A troll is a bulletin board participant who posts for one or both of two reasons: 1) to disrupt; 2) to gain attention.

THE MAJOR BREEDS

The Vulgar Troll. These, the crudest of all trolls, make no attempt to
hide their species. Often, they make racist comments, or they may post
porn and other spam. Vulgars usually confine their comments merely to
primitive, profane, off-topic observations. When you log into the
Really Profound Serious Philosophical Discussions board and see the
post, "I smell my farts," you've spotted the Vulgar Troll. Other
species of troll sometimes revert to this form when cornered.

The Deceptive or "Classic" Troll. More sophisticated but often easily
identified and exposed, the Classic Troll gratifies his ego by
pretending to be someone or something he or she is not. Classics make
up elaborate stories about themselves, sometimes weaving some amounts
of truth into their lies. As a web of lies is difficult to build with
consistency, however, Classics are often "outed" by other forumites.
When this happens, Classic Trolls have a bag of tricks to which they
turn:

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 1: If the heat gets too much for you,
claim it was all "a joke." In this way you can excuse any and all
deceit by claiming people just weren't smart enough to "get" the humor
of it.

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 2: Create another account, and log on
pretending to be someone else, in order to show support for the Troll
in Question (TiQ). These puppet accounts sometimes claim to be
disinterested third parties. At other times they pretend to be
"friends" of the TiQ.

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 3: When your lies paint you into a
corner, claim that your little brother, or some unnamed friend, has
commandeered your account and made you look foolish. This technique can
also be applied in claiming that the puppet account(s) you created may
not, in fact, be disinterested third parties or friends, but that they
are your relatives ("little brother" is most common) only trying to
help support you.

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 4: When nothing else works, claim that
now, finally, you're telling the truth about all the lies you told
before. Make up a fresh set of lies, and throw yourself on the mercy of
the forumites.

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 5: When all else fails, claim to be
leaving forever. Trolls who claim they are leaving never do, of course;
you can bet that anyone who proclaims, "I'm never coming back here,"
will most certainly at least check back for responses, and probably
will not be able to resist posting again.

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 6: Have a tantrum. When all their other
tricks are exhausted, Classic Trolls will become angry and start
shouting. Often they revert to Vulgar Trolls when this happens.

– Classic Troll Tactic Number 7: The insincere apology. Similar to
Tactic 4, this involves pretending to repent for one's trolling and is
accompanied often by great melodrama. Insincere troll apologists
hope that they'll be forgiven if only they act disgusted enough with
their own behavior.

Classic warning sign behaviors may be shared by other breeds.

Virtual Tough Guys are a subspecies of Classic Troll.

Virtual Senseis are a more dangerous breed of Virtual Tough Guy.

Giveen

The Contrarian Troll. A sophisticated breed, Contrarian Trolls frequent
boards whose predominant opinions are contrary to their own. A forum
dominated by those who support firearms and knife rights, for example,
will invariably be visited by Contrarian Trolls espousing their beliefs
in the benefits of gun control. It is important to distinguish between
dissenters and actual Contrarian Trolls, however; the Contrarian is not
categorized as a troll because of his or her dissenting opinions, but
due to the manner in which he or she behaves:

– Contrarian Warning Sign Number One: The most important indicator of a
poster's Contrarian Troll status is his constant use of subtle and
not-so-subtle insults, a technique intended to make people angry.
Contrarians will resist the urge to be insulting at first, but as their
post count increases, they become more and more abusive of those with
whom they disagree. Most often they initiate the insults in the course
of what has been a civil, if heated, debate to that point.

– Contrarian Warning Sign Number Two: Constant references to the forum
membership as monolithic. "You guys are all just [descriptor]." "You're
a lynch mob." "You all just want to ridicule anyone who disagrees with
you."

– Contrarian Warning Sign Number Three: Intellectual dishonesty. This
is only a mild indicator that is not limited to trolls, but Contrarians
display it to a high degree. They will lie about things they've said,
pull posts out of context in a manner that changes their meanings
significantly, and generally ignore any points for which they have no
ready answers.

– Contrarian Warning Sign Number Four: Accusing the accusers. When
confronted with their trolling, trolls immediately respond that it is
the accusers who are trolls (see Natural Predators below). Often the
Contrarian will single out his most vocal opponent and claim that while
he can respect his other opponents, this one in particular is beneath
his notice.

– Contrarian Warning Sign Number Five: Attempts to condescend. Pursued
by Troll Bashers (see Natural Predators below), the Contrarian will
seek refuge in condescending remarks that repeatedly scorn his or her
critics as beneath notice – all the while continuing to respond to them.

– Contrarian Warning Sign Number Six: One distinctive mark of
Contrarian Trolls is that every thread in which they dissent quickly
devolves into a debate about who is trolling whom. In the course of
such a debate the Contrarian will display many of the other Warning
Signs mentioned above.

Contrarian warning sign behaviors may be shared by other breeds.

The EuroTroll. A subspecies of Contrarian Troll, EuroTrolls
frequent US-based forums, or forums that are otherwise dominated by
Americans. They never tire of disagreeing with American
sentiments or challenging statements and concepts favorable to the
US. EuroTrolls generally believe that Americans are arrogant and
ignorant of the great civilizations in Europe and elsewhere –
civilizations far superior to America, if only Americans would stop to
notice this fact. Usually quite proud of socialism and other
European institutions and conventions unpopular among American
individualists, EuroTrolls often devolve into some lesser species of
troll when they can find no one but other trolls (and fellow
foreigners) to agree with them.

The UK EuroTroll. The most common manifestation of EuroTroll, the
UK EuroTroll is often sexually ambiguous and prone to making homoerotic
comments. Vulgar and hostile, UK EuroTrolls are also the most
hoplophobic* of trollkind. The breed is characterized by a
penchant for pontificating from ignorance and will speak at great
lengths about subjects on which its kind are totally uninformed.

Giveen

*Suffering an irrational fear of weaponry.

The YerATroll. YerATrolls are those whining forumites who devote
a tremendous amount of time and energy complaining about the tremendous
amount of time an energy expended by Troll Bashers and Angry Forumites
on the practice of troll-hunting. A self-righteous and
hypocritical breed, YerATrolls spend all their time pointing fingers at
everyone but trolls, petulantly demanding that their opinions be
granted the significance the YerATroll believes they deserve.
YerATrolls often start threads excoriating others for troll-hunting,
all the while completely oblivious to the fact that they're engaging in
trolling by picking fights with everyone else. One of the most
ill-tempered of troll species, YerATrolls are characterized by a
childish need for attention disguised as cynical nobility and
pretensions of being "above it all."

The Agenda Troll. Agenda trolls are those participants who join a forum
specifically to pursue an agenda of their own – often a feud or grudge
with another member, or perhaps a dispute with some party not
participating in that forum. When a flame war erupts on another board,
for example, Agenda Trolls will follow their opponents to other forums
in order to continue the spat.

Some Agenda Trolls are subject-matter oriented. An Agenda Troll who
thinks Self-Defense Instructor X is a fraud, or who feels he has been
ripped off or otherwise dealt with unfairly by Instructor X, will visit
forums devoted to self-defense and martial arts in order to spread his
or her negative opinion of Instructor X.

Agenda Trolls may also be of the milder Spam Agenda subspecies; these
are Trolls who join a board specifically to advertise some venture of
their own. They are not often troublesome, though their shameless
plugging is met with varying degrees of irritation.

The Sophist Troll. Sophist Trolls, or "philotrolls," fancy themselves
Enlightened Philosophers or Learned Experts of the highest order. Often
well educated, Philotrolls are capable of speaking intelligently on a
number of topics, and when the spirit moves them they can be worthwhile
forum participants. Unfortunately, Sophist Trolls are an extremely
hostile and intolerant species.

Giveen

When confronted by opinions with which they do not agree – particularly
when they do not see any means of successfully arguing their contrary
views – Sophists resort (repeatedly) to a variety of intellectually
dishonest tactics. Most often, this is characterized by an overly
snide, condescending, patronizing attitude. Philotrolls consider anyone
with whom they do not agree to be "immature," and are fond of quoting
that old saw that "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."

When cornered they are quick to resort to personal attacks. A
philotroll's bag of rhetorical tricks includes a variety of transparent
ploys, such as willfully misinterpreting the opponent's words,
committing Straw Man fallacies, accusing his or her opponents of
engaging in the very tactics used by the philotroll, and so forth.

When engaging in their sophistry, philotrolls are among the most hypocritical and aggravating of trollkind.

The Affected Profundity Troll. A mutant subspecies of Sophist
Trolls, Affected Profundity Trolls post endless pages of pretentious
drivel that is intended to appear wise, but which generally makes
little sense (if any). Affected Profundity Trolls enjoy asking
themselves questions, sometimes answering them and sometimes leaving
them hanging, for they believe this looks intelligent and lends an aura
of mystery to their incoherent ramblings. Affected Profundity
Trolls aspire to become Sophist Trolls, but lack the intelligence
necessary to make the leap.

The Don King Troll. Related to Affected Profundity Trolls, Don
King Trolls spout gibberish in the hope that they'll either bore or
confuse to death those with whom they disagree. The average Don
King Troll is "a pursuitist who gromulates his adversarial computerists
with height defining formulations to the disinterestingest adjunct."

Giveen

The Limey. Limeys are, as the name suggests, British. It is
very important to them that you know they are British. More
importantly, it is very important to them that you understand just how
obnoxiously British they are. Limeys are usually hoplophobes and
prone to pontificating from ignorance (regardless of subject).

The Sportfighter Troll. Sportfighter Trolls are tough. Ask
them, and they'll tell you. Don't ask them, and they'll still
tell you. Sportfighters have memorized every UFC, MMA match, and
NHB bout ever televised. They have extensive video libraries
constituting the proof that their "stuff works." Sportfighter
Trolls believe anyone who does not engage in their training methodology
is a limp-wristed pansy who'll probably wet himself the first time a
mugger throws a punch at him. Such trolls should not, however, be
confused with anyone and everyone who engages in some form of martial
sport. To be a Sportfighter Troll requires a high degree (in
equal measures) of aggression, immaturity, and hostility.

Sportfighter Trolls become extremely irate when told that sports are
not self-defense and are prone to waving their penises madly about (one
hopes only metaphorically), demanding the respect they feel they've
been denied. They are fond of issuing ring challenges and
generally suffer from a great deal of insecurity about their
masculinity, which is tied directly to the sports in which they
engage. Sportfighter Trolls are exclusively male and, while fond
of speaking of women as sexual objects, are not known for their prowess
in the dating arena.

The Anonymous Know-it-All (AKIAL). The AKIAL troll is an expert
on the martial arts. He, she, or it, knows everything there is to
know about fighting, self-defense, martial sports, and anything else
you can name. Just ask him, her, or it – and he, she, or it will
tell you. The AKIAL troll is characterized by a need to criticize
– most often ignorantly – anything and everything posted or published
by others on the Web. While only rarely specific (for when one is
specific one's criticisms are easily identified as uninformed or
intellectually dishonest), AKIAL trolls are characterized by an
affected mastery of the martial arts and a thorough disdain for anyone
more accomplished in that field than are they (which is just about
everyone). (Special thanks to Sean Tracy.)

The Mall Ninja. I didn't invent the "Mall Ninja" moniker.
It stems from a famous series of threads at an Internet discussion
forum in which one deluded troll regaled the assembled participants
with tales of his dangerous life providing covert security as part of a
secret ninja group keeping safe a public shopping mall. More
generally, Mall Ninja trolls are full of wild tales and bizarre
ideas. They frequently speak of life experiences that are
obviously fictional and that sound like plots from episodes of
Highlander or B-grade science fiction and action movies. They
usually consider themselves experts on everything and affect a "been
there, done that" attitude that masks profound foolishness and
insecurity.

Giveen

The Ninja Hunter Wannabe Wannabe (NHWW). Ninja Hunters are those
Internet trolls who spend a great deal of time outing "wannabes" and
going on at great length about how tough they are – because they don't
go on at great length about how tough they are (as do Mall Ninjas and
other would-be tough-guy trolls). The success of NHWW behavior is
built on reverse psychology: If the troll holds pretenders in
contempt, he or she must therefore be "the real deal." Most NHWW
trolls are, in fact, insecure spectators who busy themselves in
this manner because they wish to affect an aura of being above such
childish behavior (while engaging in the very nonsense they decry).

The Hokum-Fu Disciple One of the more bizarre Internet phenomena
I have observed is the popularity (among a very small segment of online
martial artists) of little-known fringe systems characterized by
fabricated histories and unproven, even obviously dangerous
techniques. Disciples of these arts do not take kindly to being
questioned. Unbelievers are punished online with all the fervor
of a Jihad. Hokum-Fu Disciples display certain traits that make
their agendas obvious:

    *

      Libelous and slanderous attacks on the character or profession of their system's critics.

    *

      Intellectually evasive and dishonest ad hominem arguments.

    *

      Constant appeals to authority regarding
the rank or credentials of their system's critics (which is
particularly hypocritical given the backgrounds of some of these
trolls).

    *

      Flippant dismissals or outright lies to the effect that the critics just don't "get it."

    *

      Distortions of past arguments with
Hokum-Fu Disciples desperate to defend their systems from unbelievers.

    *

      Dishonest and evasive inflation of the
credentials of anyone who does agree with the Disciples' opinions.

Giveen

The Bruce. Inspired by the dictionary definition of the term –
and by the movie They Call Me Bruce? – Bruces may correspond to any
number of troll profiles but are characterized by a single, external
characteristic: They are invulnerable. In the world of
Internet fora, this means they cannot be banned from a site. No
amount of complaining on the part of a forum's membership can convince
the administrator to ban a Bruce, no matter how disruptive or useless
such a troll's participation becomes. Bruces possess some innate
ability to remain active despite exhibiting behavior that would draw
warnings and discipline if displayed by other, more productive members
of a bulletin board. A curious and perhaps hypnotic species,
Bruces are often hybrids descended from Sophists, Affected Profundity
Trolls, and Don Kings.

The Brucie. As the name indicates, these are curiously associated
with the unbannable Bruces, perhaps because site administrators cannot
bring themselves to be unkind to anyone suffering a Brucie's
difficulties. "Brucie" is a slang term for a troll suffering from
mental derangement or physical malady. Brucies often speak of
their mental and physical problems, either out of some sad obsession or
in an attempt to garner pity. A troll who displays erratic,
almost mentally handicapped behavior is rightly described as a Brucie.

The Artistic Troll. A higher species of Classic Troll, Artistic Trolls
are intelligent individuals who understand the subtle art of trolling,
and who do what they do specifically to make others look foolish. Often
employing the techniques of Deceptive Trolls, Artistics will string
forumites along until some point in time designated by their own
desires, at which point they will reveal the ploy, admit that it was a
ploy, and laugh at everyone for being stupid enough to fall for it.
Artistic Trolls delight in sowing discord, but do it in a highly
developed and fully aware manner. They do not care if they are
despised, and do not seek the approval of forum participants. Chaos is
their only goal, and preferably chaos with a humorous bent to it.
Without a doubt, this is the most dangerous species.

The Bitter Troll. Bitter Trolls are a curious
cross-species. They can be trolls of any breed in their larval
stages, but become Bitters after their previous activities are seen for
what they were. What sets these trolls apart from other
classifications is their behavior after they have been spotted and
labeled as trolls. Angry, frustrated, and resentful about being
"outed," the Bitter Troll will wage a campaign of indignant complaints
intended to focus attention away from the troll and on whomever is
responsible for identifying the creature. Often, a troll mutates
into a Bitter just prior to becoming a Vulgar.

The Bustr. Bustrs are obsessive Bitters by whom you could
practically set your watch. A Bustr never forgets, never
forgives, and holds a grudge until the day it dies. Also a
variant of Agenda trolls, Bustrs typically move from forum to forum
complaining about the objects of their ire, often cutting and pasting
age-old diatribes that have little meaning to most of their
audiences. Most Bustrs are relatively incoherent, though a few of
the more lucid ones are potentially dangerous stalkers.

The Mutt. Alternatively known as Dogs or Yapping Dogs.
Mutts are pack animals characterized by their loud barking –
vociferous, repetitive, usually ignorant and irrational criticism of
anything and anyone they do not like. Mutts frequently become
obsessed with a few or even a single poster with whom they disagree,
often for purely personal reasons. Like a dog gnawing at a bone,
the Mutt will attack the object of its ire over and over again, making
a fool of itself in the eyes of those who understand such childish
behavior for what it is. Often one Mutt in a group of Yapping
Dogs will act as the alpha of the pack, while the others chime in to
voice their mindless (but loud) support for their leader's opinions.

Giveen

The Ian. There's this kid, Ian. Remember those old cartoons
with the bulldog who had a fawning sidekick? The sidekick was a
scrawny little guy who followed the bulldog and was constantly yapping
away as if the bulldog cared what he thought. Chances are you
know a kid – maybe a kid named Ian – who is just like this. He
desperately wants the approval of those he idolizes and spends his time
trying to ingratiate himself to them, when he's not acting as if he
belongs in their midst already. Ians are a form of Mutt
characterized by a "me too" mindset. Their contributions to most
discussions can be boiled down to imitative behavior or "me too" and
"attaboy" affirmations.

The Hybrid Troll. Trolls can be any combination of types, though
some Hybrids are more common than others. Just because a given
poster is a EuroTroll, for example, does not mean he or she is not also
a Contrarian Troll. (The EuroContrarian Hybrid is actually very
common.)

The Pretender Troll. The mutant offspring of Bitter Trolls,
Pretenders become outraged when outed and attempt to channel their
distress by mimicking their tormentors. Pretenders always "accuse
the accusers," as they say, frequently (and falsely) charging that they
are being wrongly labeled for merely dissenting in the course of a
debate. Pretenders sometimes try to invent their own species
labels and descriptions in desperate attempts to deflect and redirect
the attention of other forumites. They may also ape the language
and demeanor of their accusers (though they typically fail).

The KungFool (aka the Kungfools or Kungfoolss). A unique breed of
troll that is generally a member of the AKIAL family (see below), this
particularly virulent species is characterized by an affected arrogance
that masks both an obvious lack of knowledge and a pitiable lack of
self-esteem. As the name suggests, Kungfools are subject-specific
trolls that plague martial arts-related sites.

Kungfools derive some measure of satisfaction from pretending they know
more about the martial arts than, well, anyone, their pretensions
pointing to the fact that they feel threatened by most others.
Kungfools are almost always entirely anonymous online, for any
information they revealed about themselves would be used by their many
enemies to expose them for the frauds that they are. Kungfools
have endless amounts of free time to spend online and devote most of
their activities to ignorantly criticizing others. Tearing down
those by whom they feel threatened is the only way such trolls can feel
better about themselves. A sad breed, the Kungfool has little for
which to live and is generally quite depressing to behold.

Giveen

The Holy Misroller (HM). Holy Misrollers are those online fora
participants who give Christians a bad name. The HM believes
himself or herself to be a Christian and will generally tell anyone
who'll listen about his or her faith in God and in Jesus. At the
same time, however, the HM will display decidedly un-Christian
behavior, frequently making an *CENSORED* out of him- or herself. The HM
is often characterized by a great deal of anger and hostility.
The breed tends to lash out at anyone and anything not in keeping with
its incorrectly narrow worldview. The saddest part about HMs is
that they do not truly understand Christianity at all.

The Marketing Genius. A Marketing Genius is absolutely convinced
that you are profiting from your participation in an Internet
forum. If you have a link or a graphic block in you signature,
the Marketing Genius just knows that this is your subtle attempt to
assert your hypnotic powers on other bulletin board participants,
luring them with the siren song of your complex and inscrutable
advertising of your site. It does not matter to the Marketing
Genius that forum members have been placing links and pictures in their
signatures since the ability to do so was first created. Having
never created anything of value themselves, Marketing Geniuses have
only their bitter envy and their firm belief that you are a Dot Com
Billionaire to motivate and occupy them.

The Honorable Nitwit. Honorable Nitwits absolutely love to speak
about honor. This breed invokes the concepts of honor, integrity,
humility, and other traits straight from the Boy Scout Oath more often
than a Klingon warrior on anti-depressants. Honorable nitwits are
convinced that everyone around them suffers from a lack of honor – an
idea they thoroughly fail to understand in attempting to use its lack
to smear others.

The Old Warrior. The Old Warrior has been there and done
that. He has little time to spare for those who have not been
there and done that. The Old Warrior has been there and done that
to such an extent, in fact, that he is always right. Anyone who
disagrees with him, therefore, is wrong by definition and should shut
the hell up. Old Warriors place a very high premium on one's
credentials relevant to the subject matter discussed – failing to
understand the logical fallacy of appeals to authority.

The Forum Cultist. Forum cultists are extremely proud of the
incredible Internet communities to which they belong. They pride
themselves on the exclusivity of those communities and actually believe
that "it can't happen to them" – "it," of course, being their own
banishment. Forum cultists place a very high premium on
groupthink and generally react to differing opinions with outrage,
banning all who dare to speak them.

Giveen

No activity gives a forum cultist more joy than to speak ill of a
member who has been judged a heretic and banned. The forum
cultist knows he may say whatever he likes about the banished member
without consequence. As forum cultists are generally cowards who
derive a sense of strength from the company of the virtual mob, these
are the only times such individuals can feel safe enough to speak their
minds.

TROLL SPOTTING

Trolls often have many basic characteristics in common:

1. Low post count. Trolls usually do not last long enough on a forum to
rack up a large number of posts. Be particularly suspicious of any
poster whose count is not yet in double digits and who appears to be
causing trouble.

2. Suspicious IP addresses. Puppet accounts will have IP addresses identical to that of the TiQ.

3. Suspicious E-mail Addresses. Accounts that are similar in nature to
those of the TiQ can indicate a puppet account. AOL accounts, for
example, are particularly suspect, because AOL allows multiple
usernames for a single account.

4. Syntax and grammar. Trolls, particularly Deceptives, invariably have
trouble hiding their writing styles. Puppet accounts, or serial
accounts created after previous accounts have been thoroughly
discredited, will display traits similar to that of the TiQ.

NATURAL PREDATORS

Trolls have certain naturally-occurring enemies. Among them are these:

Moderators. An active moderator is the bane of trollkind, as a
moderator can lock a troll's efforts before they come to fruition, see
to it the troll is banned, and generally make the troll's existence
unfulfilling. Moderators are normally above more direct efforts to
humiliate or expose trolls, which makes them ultimately more dangerous
but less intimidating to all breeds.

Troll Bashers. The worst enemy of trolls, Troll Bashers appear to
possess an almost pathological hatred for trolls. Fully aware of the
tools and tactics of trolling, Troll Bashers expose trolls whenever
they see them. Often the first to identify Contrarians, and unforgiving
in the pursuit of Deceptives, Troll Bashers are experienced and
venomous. Often accused of being trolls themselves, Troll Bashers
understand the difference between the initiation of trolling and the
retaliation against it – and believe any amount of retaliatory abuse is
justified when a troll rears its ugly head.

Angry Forumites. Though normally slow to anger, and lacking the venom
of Troll Bashers, Angry Forumites can pose a danger to trollkind when
they gather in groups. While it takes three to five Angry Forumites to
equal the danger represented by a single Troll Basher, they are not to
be underestimated.

The Antrollpologist® Antrollpologists are those fascinated by the
psychology, behavior, and identification of trollkind. They tend
to write lengthy guides about spotting and dealing with trolls, which
makes them particularly troubling to the disruptors in question.
(Special thanks to Matt Seling for coining the term.)

PascaI

You copy 'n' pasted that didn't you?

Giveen

Pascal, you have never know the powers of my Master Trollship.

never question it.

Yes, I did copy and paste this, I have had this in my bookmark links
for a long time. This is the second time this has been posted, but you
might be too new to remember it.

PascaI

I've been here since beta, son.

Triad

I have seen these, on the old beta boards and other places. Its still funny tho.

Giveen

PascaI wrote:
I've been here since beta, son.

Well, Daughter, you have failed to submit.

Please Retry, Cancel, Fail