Joke thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by Cimota, Nov 21, 2012.

  1. A guy goes to the Doctors and says " hey Doc I got this really weird problem"
    Doc:"oh really, what's that then" ?
    Guy:"Well you know that song by Tom Jones,"My delilah" ?
    Doc:Yeah I do.
    Guy: "Well I can't get the song out of my head, hear it all day all night and even when I dream" !
    Doc:" Ah, you have Tom Jones Syndrome !

    Guy: " Oh , is that common then ! ?



    Doc: " Well,it's not "Unusual" :)

  2. Planetside 2 > Planetside 1
    • Up x 1
  3. A white horse walks into a bar, the bar man says we have a drink named after you the horse says, what !!! Steve...

    What's brown and sticky..................... A stick...

    Just remember if none of those jokes made you laugh just remember the secret to life is honesty, fair play and respect for others. If you can fake that you've got it made...
  4. The Miller server last night.



    /boom-tish.
    • Up x 1
  5. What do we do with Chemists when they die?

    Barium!

    Thank you. I'm here all week.
  6. Two scientists walked into a bar. One said "I'll have some H20". The other scientist said "I'll have some H20, too".
    The other scientist died later that night.
    • Up x 2
  7. The Defective Parrot
    A man decides that he wants to buy a pet, but not sure what type, so he heads to his local pet shop to browse.
    He is wandering through the store, looking at all the animals, when he walks past a Parrot sitting on a perch in a cage.
    He knows his wife likes Parrots so he stops to look at it, and examines the price. £100.
    He says to himself, "Whoa! That's a bit much. Never mind."
    The parrot says, "Excuse me, but can I get you to reconsider?"
    "OMG" exclaims the man. "You can talk and you understood me!"
    "Yes I understood every word" says the Parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent and educated bird".
    The man is amazed and says "Your English is excellent!"
    The parrot replies, "Actually I can also speak Spanish, Urdu, Italian.......and Parrot. I can converse with reasonable competence in almost any subject; Science, art, religion, philosophy, politics, sport. I really am a great companion. You should definitely buy me."
    "I would love to" says the man, "but I didn't bring enough money with me. I'm afraid you are too expensive."
    The parrot says "That might not be a problem. You see I am a defective parrot. I have no feet. You could probably barter with the shop owner and haggle him down. No one has been willing to pay £1000 for me after all."
    "Yeah" says the man, "That's got to be worth a try. I have brought £30 with me, I'll see if I can get him to accept that!"
    "Go for it! Good luck!" says the parrot.
    The man starts walking away, then stops, and turns back looking confused.
    "Do you mind if I ask you something?" says the man. "If you have no feet, how are you holding onto your perch?"
    The parrot looks down awkwardly and says, "Well it's a bit embarrassing but since you asked, I have learnt to wrap my.....errrr.....male appendage around the perch like a hook."
    The man look surprised and also a little embarrassed and says, "OK sorry, I was just curious. I wont talk about it again."
    He proceeds to barter with the shop keeper who finally accepts the £30 offer for the Parrot, and he takes him home.
    The weeks fly by. The Parrot is a great companion as promised. He has a great sense of humour, is understanding and knowledgeable in a lot of topics. The man is very please he bought him.
    Then one day the man comes home from work, and the Parrot says, "Psssst!" and motions him over with his wing.
    "What is it?" asks the man.
    "Well I'm not sure if I should be telling you this" says the Parrot, "but it's about your wife and the Postman."
    "What are you talking about?" exclaims the man.
    "Well after you left for work, the Postman knocks on the door, and your wife answered the door in her nightie." says the Parrot.
    "And then what happened?" asks the man in disbelief.
    "Well they started kissing passionately!" said the Parrot.
    The man is stunned. He can't believe what he is hearing.
    "What happened after that?" asks the man, going a bit pale.
    "They moved onto the sofa, and the Postman starting lifting your wife's nightie and kissing her everywhere." says the Parrot.
    The man thinks he is going to be sick. But he continues to press for information.
    "And then what happened?" asks the man.
    "I'll be damned if I know" says the Parrot, "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
  8. Hope you brushed off the dust from that one first lol
  9. A group of medical students are in the morgue, cadaver in front of them. The instructor says, "There are 2 very important lessons you must learn as surgeons. The 2nd most important is to not be squeamiish. People will come to you with all sorts of disgusting problems and you must maintain aplomb. I want each of you to do as I do." He then took a finger, swiped it in the cadaver's bum, then put a finger in his mouth. After all the students did this he said, "The most important lesson you must learn is OBSERVATION. Those who were observant will note I used THIS finger to swipe his bum (holds up index finger), but I put THIS finger (holds up pinky) in my mouth."
  10. [IMG]
    • Up x 1
  11. What do you call a very angry blonde with big hooters and a shotgun?



    Ma'am.



    What do you do when a 175lb rottweiler starts humping your leg?



    You let him finish.



    A couple of cannabals are out for a walk after eating a circus troop when one says to the other, "Are you ok? You look a little ill." "I dunno" he replied, "That clown tasted funny."
  12. This reminded me of what music was before auto-tune.
  13. i was unaware Billy Connolly had American fans...
  14. Spike>>>Billy. Have some Milligan one-liners.

    • After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
    • I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
    • I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
    • Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
  15. Billy Conolly has been the star of 2 American TV shows; he's got many fans. Great comedian! I am proud to have stolen his material <LOL>.
  16. Planetside 2 open beta.
  17. You needed this mate
  18. Police have found an Ice cream Man dead in his van, he had Hundreds and Thousands(Sprinkles in the US), sprinkled all over his face.They're not treating his death as suspicious though as they think , He topped himself
  19. A penguin is driving through a rural town when his car breaks down; he gets it towed to the local shop. The mechanic tells him it'll be a while, and points the penguin to the diner. While there, he decides to try vanilla icecream for the first time. It's great! He loves it! Orders a couple bowls and scarfs them down. Just then, the mechanic comes in and says, "Well, it appears you blew a seal." "OH NO!" shouts the penguin, "It's just icecream!"

    2 hikers are in the woods when a grizzly bear starts chasing them; they of course start running when suddenly one man stops, pulls off his hiking boots and starts putting on running shoes. "BILL!' shouts his friend, "What do you think you're doing!" "Well Jim" he responds, "Way I figure it, I ain't gotta outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU."

    What do you call a 6'0 statuesque blonde woman with big knockers who is in a bad mood, on her period, and has a shotgun?
    You call her Ma'am.

    What do you do when a 180lb rottweiler starts humping your leg?
    You let him finish.

    Remember; if you ever get attacked by a shark punch him in the nose. If that doesn't work, hit him in the eye with your bloody stump.
  20. What do they do with engineers once they turn forty? They shoot them in the head.

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